What Makes a Good Life?
Lately, I’ve been thinking about a simple question: What makes a good life? Not a successful life. Not a productive life. Not even a meaningful life, although that's certainly part of it. Just...a good life.
I recently listened to a wonderful conversation between former U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy and Dr. Robert Waldinger, Harvard psychiatrist, Zen priest, and director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, the longest-running scientific study of human happiness ever conducted.
For decades, researchers followed people's lives to understand what predicted happiness, health, and well-being over time. It wasn't achievement. It wasn't wealth. It wasn't status or accumulating more things. It was relationships.
I’ll say it again because it’s worth repeating: The people who lived the happiest lives weren't the ones most focused on achievement. They were the ones most deeply connected to other people. That finding resonated deeply with me.
Over the past couple of years, after stepping down from a senior leadership role and full-time employment to explore fractional nonprofit work, I've found myself thinking even more intentionally about community, belonging, and connection. Many of my recent writings have been about building a life where relationships aren't simply something that happen - they're something we intentionally cultivate.
One idea from the conversation particularly resonated with me: social fitness. Just as physical fitness isn't something we achieve once and keep forever, our relationships require ongoing attention and care. Dr. Waldinger suggested periodically asking ourselves two simple questions:
Do I have the people I want and need in my life?
Am I investing enough time in those relationships?
The happiest people in the Harvard study were intentional. They regularly got together with friends. They checked in week after week. They didn't assume closeness would maintain itself. And neither should we.
One of my favorite observations from the conversation was beautifully simple: Attention is the most basic form of love. Really seeing another person. Noticing they're more tired than usual. Seeing that they're lighter today. Being curious enough to ask. Attention is one of the greatest gifts we can offer another person, and one of the greatest gifts we can receive.
Toward the end of the conversation, Dr. Murthy and Dr. Waldinger shared several ideas for living a good life. Be kind. Find people who value what you value. Learn to ask for what you need. Don't let regret define you, let it teach you. And one line I suspect I'll remember for a long time: Never worry or navigate uncertainty alone. Receiving support isn't weakness. It's an invitation. An opportunity to deepen a friendship by allowing someone else the privilege of showing up.
Finally, there was one piece of advice that feels immediately actionable: If the thought crosses your mind to show up for somebody, don't second-guess it. Just do it. Send the text. Make the call. Invite them for coffee.. Don’t spend time wondering whether you’ll be interrupting someone or whether the timing is right or you’ll miss the opportunity altogether.
A good life is something we build together, one relationship, one conversation, one shared meal, one phone call, one act of attention at a time.
Reference: The Architecture of a Good Life